I entered football’s dark secret after leaving Hearts but 2 things saved my life – Ryan Stevenson

January 7, 2018.

The date will live with me forever. It was the date I’d chosen to end it all. This is deep. The most honest I’ve ever been about my battle with mental health when I left full-time football six years ago. But after reading Sean Higgins’ story in the Daily Record this week about his struggles to fill the void after football I realise it needs more of us to speak out on what is football’s dark secret.

Sean had a battle with alcohol. My enemy was depression. I was in a seriously dark place after leaving my last full-time club, Raith Rovers, early in 2017. I was going through a divorce at the time which was taking its toll and then the football stopped. It was mental turmoil. Simply, I couldn’t function. I was actually in a place where I hated football because of what it had done to me. But looking back it was because I had loved the game so much that I couldn’t cope with it coming to an end.

It all began when I left Hearts a couple of years earlier. I went downhill rapidly after that. I was 30 and knew the end was coming and the sun was setting on my career. I had been used to playing in front of 20,000 at Tynecastle for Hearts. The adrenaline rush that brings, the thrill ... it’s so hard to put into words. Then there’s the daily camaraderie with your team mates at training. The positive effect on health both physically and mentally you get from going to your work.

How do you replace all that when one day it just suddenly stops? Everything had been geared towards football since I was 12 years old when I moved away to London to come through the Chelsea ranks. Then it just stopped. I didn’t know who I was any more. Previously if you spoke to anybody and mentioned my name it was ‘oh Ryan Stevenson the