In Bruges 2: Scott Parker’s win percentage looking like a local ABV

In Brexit Britain, it is important that the fine nation continues to send exports and ambassadors to the continent in order to maintain relations with Europe. As one of the nation’s best and brightest managers, who was sacked after a 9-0 defeat at Liverpool, Scott Parker was seen as a fine candidate to be shipped out to Belgium, with his blue passport tucked in the top pocket of his gilet and a John Lewis notebook of tactical genius.

After sealing promotion from the Championship with Fulham and Bournemouth, leaving the clubs after relegation and a disastrous start respectively, he was earmarked as the man to take Club Brugge into the Big Cup knockout stages. A last-16 tie against Benfica looked winnable, with the team having beaten Atlético Madrid, Porto and Bayer Leverkusen in the group. Au contraire, as our mighty European Football Tsar has since found out. Many Brits have come a cropper during a short stay in Bruges because of poor preparation, but that’s usually due to not reading the ABV in a darkened bar before heading out on to the cobbled streets in winter.

And in honour of Belgian beer, Parker is expected to leave with a 16.7% win percentage after two victories in 12 games. The final act: a 5-1 drubbing in Lisbon to complete a 7-1 hammering on aggregate. Parker patrolled the Estádio da Luz touchline with gusto, pointing and shouting like a man that had some hope of turning round their two-goal deficit from the first leg. Unfortunately for Parker, Benfica dished out a shellacking to follow up Club Brugge’s 3-0 defeat against Oostende at the weekend. It had been hoped their 2-2 draw with local rivals Cercle was the nadir, a game that ended with forward Noa Lang calling his teammates “effing pussies” while