Christian Eriksen, Cristiano Ronaldo and a trickle of United optimism

Between ‘The Pogumentary’ revelations, that pesky BBC news ticker and the rather desperate Frenkie de Jong saga, it’s fair to say the summer in the red half of Manchester has been a fairly rough one. Even the arrival of Erik ten Hag, who seems both capable and cheery, has failed to change the perception that the famous Red Devils are destined for another nailbiting sixth-place finish next season.

Add in Cristiano Ronaldo’s quick pivot from statue nominee to someone trying to smuggle his way out of Old Trafford in a laundry basket – it would be fair to say that this has been another underwhelming close season for United supporters. To worsen matters, Ronaldo failed to turn up to the first day of training on Monday, citing an absolutely essential desire never to set foot in Big Vase, no matter how catchy the theme song is family reasons, in much the same way The Fiver often tells Big Website it will not be turning up to work.

But then, something started to happen. There was a trickle of optimism in the airwaves. News of United signing another left-back, Tyrell Malacia. And what’s this? Christian Eriksen, midfield creator, has turned down MIGHTY BRENTFORD to sign a three-year contract at the club! Somebody go and tell Lord Ferg to open the Casillero del Diablo, it’s time for a celebration, baby! Of course, The Fiver is underplaying this latter point, in the interest of narrative. Eriksen is supremely talented, knows the league inside out and, best of all, he’s free (sort of). This is an absolute doozy of a transfer, and United have every reason to be excited.

“He was a pal. He was the best goalkeeper I ever played with, he was absolutely unbelievable as a goalkeeper. And I would have to tell you, he was one hell of a man.