‘Why I’m avoiding Manchester city centre like the plague this weekend’

This weekend is the armageddon of all weekends for Manchester. Not only will Manchester United and Manchester City be going against each other to win the FA Cup in Wembley, a host of mega-stars will be right here in the city to perform in front of thousands of devoted fans.

This evening, there’s the Arctic Monkeys at Emirates Old Trafford, Elton John at the AO Arena (Saturday night’s alright, as he says) and Coldplay at the Etihad both tonight and tomorrow (no Chris Martin song references for Sunday).

For me, living in Old Trafford right by the cricket ground, I am resigned to the fact that I will be enjoying the dulcet tones of Alex Turner over the weekend. While I’m no diehard fan of the band, I can appreciate that there are certainly worse options when it comes to free balcony entertainment.

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However, I’ve also decided to pretty much write my weekend off. I’m not being a party-pooper: it’s great for the city that we can have as many events all going on at the same time, but I’m just not a fan of being squished onto a sweaty, cramped out tram or hanging out in a sweaty, cramped out bar. Those days are long behind me, I’m afraid.

I was lucky enough to be able to see Elton John on the first of his three nights here in Manchester this week and the tram ride home on Wednesday night was enough to make me feel like a sad little sardine in a tin. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like at 11pm on Saturday when revellers from all three gigs, football fans and everyone else will be trying to hop on board - especially with train strikes taking place.

But, that’s all part of the experience and I’m sure everyone heading to any of the gigs or planning to enjoy