Premier League mascots: Who would win if all 20 characters raced at Cheltenham Festival?

Imagine Cheltenham Festival. But no horses. No jockeys. Not even the slightest hint, whisper or suggestion of a ‘neigh’. Sounds pretty terrible, right?

Well, actually, that’s not the case if you parachuted in 20 anthropomorphic animals, dinosaurs and even devils of varying levels of hilariousness in a do-or-die footrace over three miles and 22 fences.

Contrary to popular belief, we haven’t lost our minds, but rather we’ve decided to tackle one of life’s biggest questions: which Premier League mascot would win if they raced in the Cheltenham Gold Cup?

It’s the burning debate simmering away at the heart of any existential crisis; puzzling philosophers since the beginning of time and dominating the conversation at any first date. Well, any first date we’ve been on.

Ok, maybe not, but in all seriousness, most sports fans will have come across the beautiful phenomena that is mascot races with grown men and women battling it out over various distances and obstacles in the most ridiculous of suits.

And with the sporting carnival that is the Cheltenham Festival now just a few days away, we couldn’t help wondering what would happen if it collided with the weird and wonderful world of Premier League mascots.

The result? A truly bizarre, but nevertheless entertaining, journey through a hypothetical race of all 20 mascots battling it out in the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

Sadly, and frankly scandalously, some Premier League clubs don’t appear to have a mascot at the moment, so for those sides, we’ll be throwing their most recent and high-profile furry friend into the action.

It truly is as silly and unserious as it sounds, so rest assured that our wild ramblings about how good a mascot might look at speed endurance and hurdling has nothing