Jay Bilas picks every single game in the 2024 men's NCAA basketball tournament - ESPN

Every Selection Sunday, our overworked and underpaid staff hurriedly hands each of the blathering, bloviating gasbags on the «Bracketology» show a blank bracket that has just been revealed to us and to you, the masses.

With no time to deliberate or consider factors that may affect a prediction, we, the oversized ego-toting «talking heads» are asked… no, wait… commanded under penalty of termination to fill out the bracket (in pen) in five minutes or less. That way, our thoughtless picks made while holding our eyelids open with toothpicks can be put onto television graphics and put out to you, the viewing public.

While we, the «talent,» have been down on bended knee for decades to beseech our bosses for a little bit more time to contemplate our picks, we are viewed as a group of Oliver Twists begging for more gruel from the tyrant Mr. Bumble. Of course, any resemblance of the ESPN cafeteria to the orphanage dining facility is purely coincidental. The answer we get is less delicately delivered than Mr. Bumble's relatively polite denial to Oliver.

The draconian working conditions of Championship Week and Selection Sunday… wait, «draconian» is a little strong. The byzantine working conditions can sometimes lead to less-than-ideal decisions on the part of the «talent» — which led my bosses to decree that I write this article annually to reflect more thoughtful selections for your benefit, and to punish me for daring to ask for a reasonable accommodation.

This carefully executed wisdom that is put together between midnight and roosters crowing after Selection Sunday provides you, a member of the masses, the tools and information you need to execute a winning bracket in whatever bracket challenge you choose to enter.

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