How climbing Kilimanjaro gave me the courage to be my authentic self

This First Person article is the experience of Shauna Wiseman, who describes herself as a woman of trans experience and an outdoors enthusiast in Ottawa. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

As the first rays of dawn broke on the African horizon, bringing warmth to the dusty volcanic hillside I had been slowly ascending for the past four hours, I felt tired but determined.

My dream to climb this peak began almost 15 years earlier after my parents took me to see the IMAX film, Kilimanjaro: To the Roof of Africa. I was attracted to this mountain for its changing terrain, its history and the fact that it's one of the closest points on earth to the stars. 

But mostly I was drawn to the internal struggle of the people that took on the challenge of climbing the mountain. Many of them spoke of a profound change. Seeing the world anew from different eyes. 

At the time, I was trying to figure out who I was. Puberty was hitting and something was off, but who could I turn to?

Instead, I got on my bike, spending hours in the National Capital Commission forests, listening to music that reflected the anger I had inside — feelings I would later know to call "dysphoria."

My grandfather was a land surveyor who dragged my then teenaged dad through the woods of Ontario lake country to help plot out the land. My dad fell quickly in love with being outside, which he passed on to my brother and me.

Later, a neighbour invited me on a trip to the Adirondack mountains in upstate New York. At over 1,200 metres, this was a challenge I could sink my teeth into. 

Trips to the mountains became my chapel — a place to collect my thoughts, clear my mind and visit when I had big decisions to make. 

I never fit in