Alan Shearer's scathing review of Romelu Lukaku's seven touch Chelsea performance

Seven touches in 90 minutes – and one of those was the kick-off.

In fairness, the service to Romelu Lukaku was as skeletal as public transport the day after a storm blows in.

But for Chelsea's £97.5 million record signing to make any headway against Lille in the Champions League tomorrow night, a few decent crosses and making an effort to reach them would help.

If Lukaku remains so static against the French underdogs, he will risk being evacuated from Stamford Bridge as a suspect package.

None of Blues messiah Thomas Tuchel's excuses about jet-lag, air conditioning, the extreme difference between Abu Dhabi's heat and miserable, windswept south London can camouflage Lukaku's barren lumbering at Selhurst Park.

He set an unwanted record for the fewest touches by an outfield player over a whole Premier League game since trainspotters began collating stats for nerds and anoraks.

When Chelsea brought Lukaku back to Stamford Bridge from Inter Milan last summer, they thought he would fire them to the title in his seven-league boots.

And it is true he scored in back-to-back games at the Club World Cup, but this was Premier League stones and shingle, not sandcastles in the Arabian desert.

When Lukaku's influence on a game is so non-existent, it's time to talk about the elephant in the room – and on a frustrating afternoon in Croydon's hinterland, the elephant was Dumbo.

What happened to the rampaging powerhouse who looked one of the world's best forwards at the Euros for Belgium?

On his game, he is the complete striker. Virtually unplayable.

Normally, the chart showing a player's touches of the ball will resemble a marksman's shooting practice, a target riddled with bullet holes. Lukaku's contribution in the first half was