World Cup ball-bots, a better VAR and Fifa’s priorities for Qatar 2022

The Fiver upgraded its phone the other day and downloaded the latest instant messenger service called WhatSup or something. Being socially awkward, we obviously didn’t want to do this, but Weird Uncle Fiver got angry and then frighteningly insistent that we should create a chat group to organise the family trip to Pontins in Prestatyn. He’s got a job as a big green crocodile mascot there, you see, and can swing a discount.

Once he’d added all our cousins to it, he invited all 768 members to have our say on what dates would be best for everyone. Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! After a fair bit of back and forth, we soon sorted out a weekend in August. Then he asked if anyone was interested in one of the limited number of all-inclusive wristbands for the on-site pub. Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Such an onslaught of information was too much for our simple senses. We needed a lie down.

We hope officials at the Human Rights World Cup are made of sterner stuff than us. They’re going to be hit with a torrent of data sent from match balls “500 times per second” thanks to new AI-powered technology that Fifa bigwigs have signed off on. Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Yes, Gianni Infantino has unleashed the bots in an effort to speed up VAR decisions. It’s got its own name too: Semi-automated offside technology (SAOT). Sounds well $exy doesn’t it?

Apparently SAOT is “faster and more accurate and offers better communication to fans.” And you better believe it because those words were uttered by legendary Italian whistleblower Pierluigi Collina, the chief suit of Fifa’s referees committee, who looks like he