There’s no trophy for ‘winning’ the transfer window, so why the endless hype?

Have you ever wondered how long Richarlison’s legs are? It’s something I confess to spending very little time considering until this week, when Spurs tweeted out a five-minute video of the Brazilian’s first day at the club.

We begin with him walking into the training ground flanked by an entourage of three. He gets a half-hearted welcome from Ivan Perisic and we’re into the physio room for his medical. Is this his real medical or his show medical? A man checks his legs can bend at the knee and goes full shipping forecast, “45 internal, approaching 90 external”. It cuts away before he presumably continues: “Low, Hebrides 9 9 4, moving rapidly south-east.”

Back to the big reveal – a tape measure is placed at the top of his hips. It clicks through the 40s, the 50s, into the 60s, the 70s, the 80s, into the 90s as we approach the ankle. It’s extraordinary stuff.

Someone holds a clipboard. They show an ultrasound; for a second it appears he’s having a baby. They print out a lot of 1980s computer paper.

And he is free to go. He stares at the training ground. It looks like a training ground. A warm hug from Lucas Moura and we’re in the canteen.

Lunch. A close-up of a bowl of broccoli. He is handed what looks like an omelette. Emerson Royal makes chicken noises at him. They embrace. Matt Doherty says hello. Giovani Lo Celso too. He hugs Cristian Romero. Everyone claps. Fraser Forster sits on his own at the back.

And suddenly Richarlison is skipping on the pitch. Running with a bungee cord around his waist. He kicks the ball. He kicks it again. And one last time. There’s a close up of a football to finish.

How did we live without this forensic blow-by-blow account of every part of player transfers in the good old days? If you