The Socceroos go full Tuchel-Kepa to find their flamin’ World Cup hero

Yesterday’s STOP FOOTBALL edition of the Fiver touched upon the STOP FOOTBALL seemingly interminable nature of the current season, which STOP FOOTBALL started in 2019 and has taken in one pandemic, two lockdowns, one Euros, a Copa América, an Africa Cup of Nations, an Olympic Games, withdrawal from the single market, insurrection at the Capitol, and 33 editions of the Nations League. The next scheduled opportunity for everyone to dismount the treadmill and get some rest is next summer, after the completion of the Ethics World Cup and all the surrounding competitions that particular farce is going to ruin. STOP FOOTBALL STOP FOOTBALL STOP FOOTBALL PLEASE CAN SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE STOP IT.

The Fiver is clearly not the only one currently experiencing unprecedented levels of apathy, ennui and plain old boredom with this neverending drag. Players and coaches are evidently so pig-sick of playing and playing and playing that they’re now desperately searching for outside-the-box ways to while away the time and keep themselves amused. Nothing illustrates that better than the plan cooked up by Australia boss Graham Arnold and substitute goalkeeper Andrew Redmayne, which gambled the Socceroos’ entire World Cup qualifying campaign on some contemporary dance, and no, the fact that the gambit proved successful doesn’t make it any less absurd.

As the clock ticked past 120 goalless minutes of gold-plated playoff tedium between Australia and Peru, Arnold sent on Redmayne in the time-honoured Tuchel-Kepa tradition. They hadn’t even mentioned the scheme to the man being replaced, captain Mat Ryan, despite hatching it six weeks ago, but unlike the hapless Chelsea duo’s League Cup caper, the Socceroo switcheroo worked like a dream. Redmayne