The scenes that ‘no one likes to see’ that everyone likes to see

What was the last genuinely great thing to happen in the Premier League? That’s right! The answer has nothing whatsoever to do with last Sunday’s well-received encounter between Manchester City and Liverpool, and everything to do with five years ago, when Chelsea put paid to Tottenham’s chances of winning the title and everyone disappeared down the Stamford Bridge tunnel throwing hands. And the time before that? It’d be Martin Keown getting right up in Ruud van Nistelrooy’s grille. And before that? Eric Cantona disappearing into the Selhurst Park stands to dispense beneficial advice on race relations.

All of these incidents were met with the usual performative wagging of fingers, but deep down everyone really knows what’s what. Similarly this week in Big Cup. Sure, Chelsea played out a marvellous ding-dong match at the Bernabéu, while Liverpool simultaneously proved against Benfica why they almost certainly will win and have absolutely no chance of winning the competition. But all of this pales in comparison with the geometrically perfect cartoon cloud drawn on Wednesday night by the artists of Atlético Madrid and Manchester City, which, for maximum comic effect, had fists and boots sticking out of it in all the correct Beano-approved places. Oof! Ooyah! Oof!

As modern brouhahas go – nothing’s ever going to top Chile v Italy in the 1962 World Cup, The Fiver isn’t completely daft – it was brilliant, registering a top score of 11 on our We Don’t Like To See It But We Do-o-meter. Depending on your point of view, the most committed contribution to the entertainment was perpetrated either by Felipe, who hacked down then aimed a sly kick at Phil Foden; Foden, who cynically rolled back on to the field of play in the