The Premier League trapdoor and gold-encrusted parachutes

The Fiver has never been able to handle change. Doesn’t matter whether it’s language, recipes, kick-off times, waistlines or anything else: they’re all just reminders that we’re on the Grim Reaper’s radar. In our head, Eintracht Frankfurt won the Uefa Cup on Wednesday night [Big Vase, how many times – Fiver Ed], sick is what you are after a surfeit of Tin and graphics on the ZX Spectrum 128k cannot be bettered. Snickers is the term for a group of English batsmen and literally MEANS EFFING LITERALLY. So, you can imagine the confused state of our tea-timely noggin as it dawned on us that Frank Lampard’s Everton – who have been in the top flight throughout our broadly futile existence – really might go down this season.

Despite their recent revival under Frank Lampard, FLE are still moob-deep in a relegation battle with two games to go. It’s survival of the fittest: on Sunday, one of FLE, Leeds and Burnley will be bundled through the Premier League trapdoor with only a gold-encrusted parachute for company. The good news for FLE is that they will be mathematically safe if they beat Crystal Palace at Goodison Park on Thursday. The bad news is that, if they don’t, they will have to get something away to Arsenal on the final day to guarantee safety. “Away” is the operative word: Everton have taken only 10 points on the road all season.

Burnley also play, away to Aston Villa, and will move above Leeds with a draw. Reports that Villa manager $tevie Mbe plans to start the entire 1982 European Cup-winning team [Big Cup-winning team, how many times – Fiver Ed] to keep his first XI fresh for Manchester City at the weekend are unconfirmed. The situation may have changed by 10pm, but right here, right now, Burnley have their fate in