Reds rinse and repeat: will we ever break the Manchester United crisis cycle?

Scientists can’t quite agree on how long it will be until the Universe ends. The most trigger-happy astrophysicists have it at around 22bn years, but if we’re lucky it could keep chugging away for 200bn. Earth has slightly less time – becoming a burnt-out lifeless rock in about 5bn, after the sun runs out of fuel and enters what’s known as its “Red Giant phase”.

Which brings us to Manchester United – who appeared to run out of fuel in 2013. As a gaunt, expressionless Erik ten Hag stood in his technical area at Old Trafford on Sunday, it was hard not to feel that this Groundhog Day paint-by-numbers crisis might be put out of its misery only by the demise of the entire planet.

Within seconds of the full-time whistle the memes began. Complete this sentence: The biggest problem at Manchester United is …

Where do you start? Should we create a Microsoft Word template just below “create your own CV” with a simple go-to list that you save as a PDF or print out and keep? A simple, effective service that you can refer to every time there’s an issue at the Theatre of Dreams.

The first thing to mention is DNA. Divide everyone into those who “really understand” the DNA of the club, and those that don’t – including some blithe mentions of attacking football, of taking the game to the opposition and of turning Old Trafford into a “fortress”.

At which point the camera must pan to Sir Alex Ferguson in the stands.

You can imagine United conceding an early goal at home to Sturm Graz in the opening game of the European Super League Division 2 in the year 2046. The 40-year-old Scott McTominay, parachuted in as head coach after a mid-table Championship finish in charge of Reading shakes his head. The TV director calls for a close up of the