Peak FA Cup magic-loss and a rival final to outrage the angriest of men

In much the same way that the Fiver used to be much better 20 years ago, so was the FA Cup final. The TV coverage would begin at 10am with TV reporters from BBC and ITV joining the players of both teams in their hotel dining rooms for breakfast, before travelling with them on their coaches to … er, the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff.

In those days, they’d all be suited and booted for the day and viewers would be treated to footage of them playing cards, chatting, sitting frozen in nervous terror or listening to their Walkmans (ask your folks). Invariably, some luckless sod from each team that happened to be missing the game through injury would be roped into introducing assorted teammates he thought might up for a bit of performative “banter” for the cameras. Then at 3pm, after hours of buildup the teams would kick off and 90 or 120 minutes later the famous old trophy would be handed over.

In the intervening years, it has not gone unnoticed that the FA Cup has lost so much of its magic, that even the act of pointing out it has lost its magic has lost its magic. Indeed, you could now go so far as to say that we have reached the point of peak FA Cup magic-loss, in so far as pointing out that the competition has lost its magic has not only lost its magic, but even pointing out that pointing out it has lost its magic has lost its magic.

But while FA Cup final day is a pale facsimile of the great day it once was, it is still a showpiece event well worth winning. And when Liverpool play Chelsea tomorrow at – the Fiver clutches its pearls – 4.45pm, not all but plenty of the eyes of nation will be focused on Wembley. Plenty but not the Fiver’s, because one of our idiot mates has committed the cardinal rookie error of scheduling