Manchester City, Erling Haaland and more pressing personnel concerns

Watching Manchester City spank their 21st goal in five top-flight games past Newcastle on Sunday afternoon, The Fiver couldn’t shake off the nagging feeling that what the table-toppers are really crying out for is a top-class centre forward. Snark aside, they were certainly crying out for one across both legs of their shambolic Big Cup showing against Real Madrid, when Karim Benzema showed them exactly what they are missing in their ongoing, as-yet-unsuccessful quest for European glory.

To the relief of people tasked with writing daily doses of tedious, often incorrect transfer speculation in The Fiver’s gossiping, early-morning and part-time half-sibling The Rumour Mill, it was revealed that City’s bid to bring Erling Haaland to the Etihad is nearing completion and “should be confirmed this week”. With personal terms reported to have already been agreed with Dortmund’s 21-year-old striker, City are expected to pony up the bargain €75m (£64m) required to trigger his release clause in the coming days. Should the deal go through, it will mark a poignant return to the north-west for a young man whose father Alfie famously made his name with City during the club’s church-mouse years, on the back of some extremely ill-advised goading of Roy Keane.

Back in those days, Shaun Goater was banging them in and, assuming Haaland keeps knack-free and maintains his phenomenal strike-rate, there’s every chance he could eclipse the Goat in fans’ affections en route to becoming the Ballon d’Or-winning GOAT he seems destined to be. For now, however, City have more pressing personnel concerns in defence, having lost Kyle Walker, John Stones and Ruben Dias to assorted-knack for their three remaining games this season. With Nathan Aké also