It’s not yet clear how the Erik ten Hag era will go farcically wrong

Pity poor Fiver, who had several bons mots regarding Thursday’s relegation-infused battle between Burnley and Southampton ready to go – proper zingers they were, too – when white smoke suddenly started parping out of the chimneystack at Old Trafford. The Theatre of Dreams isn’t in the best nick at the moment, so there were initial worries that the 1967 Baby Belling that heats up all the matchday pies had finally given up the ghost, but upon closer examination it proved to be even more epochal news than that. Turns out the papal conclave had finally gotten round to making an informed decision for the first time since 1986, and so it was announced the new manager of Manchester United would be Erik ten Hag, to the surprise of absolutely nobody and the resigned disappointment of Mauricio Pochettino. Oh Mauricio! You’ll always have Paris.

With multiple Dutch titles and Ajax’s first appearance in the Big Cup semis for 22 years on Ten Hag’s impressive CV, it’s not yet clear how this will go farcically wrong. Presumably his first act when he rocks up in the summer will be to bundle Cristiano Ronaldo, who can’t press to specifications, and David de Gea, unable to distribute in the style required, out of the door. But then he’d be getting rid of the club’s current leading scorer and a keeper who’s single-handedly kept the rest of the rabble clear of relegation for the past decade. It’s a poser all right, one of several facing the new man as he surveys the wreckage left by, in incremental order of blame, David Moyes, Louis van Gaal, José Mourinho, Ole Gunnar Solskjær, Ralf Rangnick and Lord Ferg. Oh Alex! Was a portion of Rock of Gibraltar’s front tail worth all this?

Ten Hag will also have to source a No 9 and a game-changing