An American tale: Gareth Bale goes west

“I love going to Los Angeles on holiday,” chirped Gareth Bale in 2020. “I play a lot of golf. I’ve played Pebble [Beach] a couple of times. I played Cypress Point which is a private members’ club which is next to Pebble Beach – that was probably the best course I’ve ever played so far.” Thankfully his latest sojourn to the west coast will allow him to tick off a few more of California’s glorious greens and play the odd football match.

Yes, after being linked with every man and his dog, Bale has gone with his head to join LAFC in MLS over hometown club Cardiff City once his Real Madrid contract concludes at the end of the month. “He really wanted to come, the money wasn’t the matter,” sobbed Cardiff owner Vincent Tan. “We came up with what we thought was a good offer to him, but finally it was very hard to compete when there is a lot of big American advertisers, a lot of commercial deals which were very good for Gareth Bale. We tried our best but we failed.”

The winger will lead Wales at the Human Rights World Cup in Qatar and fixtures against the Galaxy, Earthquakes and Wizards will ensure Bale remains in peak physical condition. What better way to prepare for a competition in a country that curtails women’s rights and has a lesser interest in football than playing in the USA! USA!! USA!!!?

Bale announced the trade, fittingly enough, in the traditional British holiday attire of baseball cap and football shirt while standing on a golf course. No words were offered, just his heart-shaped hand gesture. Start as you mean to go on, Gareth. The move will allow Bale to add a few more things to the list he has more interest in than Real Madrid. Traffic jams, a lack of public infrastructure, stifling heat and being waited on by