All aboard for lazy stereotypes and a humdinger of a final at Wembley

Between England’s imminent Wembley showdown against Germany on Sunday and today’s eagerly-awaited outcome of the Wagatha Christie Libel trial, these are halcyon days for women in football. But in a week where the legacy – or conspicuous lack thereof – of the most jingoistic, self-congratulatory opening ceremony in Olympic history has been high on the news agenda, it seems more imperative than ever before that the English women’s game continues to make hay while the sun shines on their sport.

You see, The Fiver’s assorted cousins are rooting for England’s brave Lionesses before the final at Wembley, with only a handful of notable exceptions. By a handful, we mean everyone except our English cousin, Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, whose offer of complementary tickets for the final to assorted relations have all been turned down.

Much to his chagrin, knobbly stick-waving stereotypical Irish cousin Theme Pub O’Fiver; bagpipes-playing, See You Jimmy-saying Scottish cousin Shortbread McFiver and valley-dwelling, cheese on toast-eating Welsh cousin Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver all seemed curiously unenthused about accompanying him to the game, and upon being asked why sheepishly confessed they’d had a better offer. Rather than banging out fat lines and sticking firecrackers where the sun don’t shine, they’ll be oompah-ing it up in the away end at Wembley with their ruthlessly efficient German cousin Vorsprung durch Tin und Lederhosen Fumfen instead.

Elsewhere in the away end of a Fiver full of lazy stereotypes, Franz Beckenbauer has done his bit to ruin the Lionesses narrative by tipping his countrywomen to win in the most cliched style imaginable. The German legend expects Alexandra Popp and