A journey toward forgiveness: Davin Vann has finally found himself years after his sister's death - ESPN

EDITOR'S NOTE: This story includes discussions of suicidal ideation.

THERE ARE FORCES at work in the universe that, for most of his life, Davin Vann believed were malevolent. This is what occupied the thoughts of NC State's star defensive lineman when he slid into the driver's seat of his car on Feb. 4, 2024, intent on surrendering to his fate.

Vann has always liked to drive at night. Football had long been an outlet for his anger and isolation, but when he finished practice and film study, a drive calmed him and allowed him to be alone with his thoughts. He'd crank some country music, pull his Mustang onto the highway, watch the road unspool past Raleigh, Apex and Cary — the North Carolina towns where he grew up — and think of all the things that kept him here. He'd think of Kayla.

He was 11 when he watched his 13-year-old sister drown in a neighborhood pool, and for much of the past decade, he had fixated on how it was possible that she was gone while he had been spared.

«For a long time, it felt like God took the wrong kid,» he said. «It felt wrong for me to have the ability to live life and be happy when such a beautiful person was taken.»

Some nights he asked for forgiveness, for some penance he could pay that would ease the guilt that overwhelmed him. Some nights he'd ask for solace, an explanation for how his coaches and teammates at NC State could laud him as a leader while he still felt utterly broken.

On this night, however, he asked for nothing.

«I was just tired of being tired,» he said.

Vann wasn't planning to die, exactly. That would imply some agency in his life, a feeling he'd long abandoned. Instead, he figured he'd just ease his car onto I-40, inch the accelerator to the floor, then let go.

«Just f---