Roman Abramovich plans his exit from Chelsea

Once the fall of Chelsea’s Roman empire was announced, Plain Old John Terry had to have his say. “The Best,” he roared on Social Media Disgrace Twitter, captioning a photo of him and the wannabe erstwhile Chelsea owner wrapped around the Premier League trophy. POJT was presumably referring to Roman but admittedly has previous in associating himself with others’ success. The wider Chelsea family is also reeling from the news that it’s actually all over. Probably. The end of the affair was announced just before the actual football team, requiring more than £150m worth of misfiring strikers, squeezed past Luton Town. “He has a genuine love for the game,” sniffed Tactics Tommy of Abramovich after the match, also admitting: “It’s very hard for me. It did not sink in yet.”

So what next? “The sale of the club will not be fast-tracked but will follow due process,” roared Abramovich’s statement, dampening down any idea he might cut and run in the style of Frank Butcher after the latest blaze on Albert Square’s car lot. “I hope that I will be able to visit Stamford Bridge one last time to say goodbye to all of you in person,” he sobbed. Why might that due process be possible? Over to Big Website: “Boris Johnson is under growing pressure from the EU to go further and faster in imposing sanctions on Russian oligarchs over fears that assets are being swept out of the UK … A government official [said] it would take ‘weeks and months’ to enforce sanctions on the same level as the EU due to a lack of legal and investigative capacity.”

Should Chelsea find a willing buyer then business may be able to carry on as usual, with Abramovich’s £1.5bn of loans waived and net proceeds of the sale to be used, opaquely, “for the benefit of all