Newcastle’s bulging wallet and teams demanding the moon on a stick

This current transfer window hasn’t been particularly interesting, has it? There’s been such a lack of real drama that it’s less likely to slam shut next Monday evening than gently mist over, whereupon The Fiver will grasp the opportunity to draw a peepee and balls on it with its finger, as well as maybe some rude words starting with the letters eff and jeff, and yes we are an arm of one of the world’s leading broadsheet newspapers, but what else are you gonna do when presented with a steamy pane of glass? Peepee and balls, that’s right. Hey, we don’t write these rules, we just live our lives.

To be fair to Newcastle United, they’re trying their best to whip up some action. From the get-go this January, they pimped their shopping trolley real good, priming it for a supermarket sweep of talent, with square wheels that squeak when they turn, a horn that blasts glitter when you honk it, the works. They’ve already landed a crossing specialist who couldn’t register an assist against Cambridge United, and Chris Wood, and now they’re closing in on a deal for Brighton defender Dan Burn, whose Robert Wadlowesque stature should make things a little easier for poor old Kieran, if nothing else.

The Toon are also on the verge of completing the transfer from Lyon of defensive midfielder Bruno Guimarães, a third clean sheet of the season suddenly much less of a pipe dream. However it’s not all good news, as their hope of signing Manchester United’s Jesse Lingard and Sevilla centre-back Diego Carlos have hit the skids, both clubs in question eyeing Newcastle’s bulging wallet and requesting the moon on a stick. Still, with five days to go before the mist finally descends, anything may yet happen. Rumours that Eddie Howe is preparing a