Never in Frank Lampard’s wildest nightmares could he have envisaged this

When Chelsea’s owners released a statement announcing the appointment of “Premier League Hall of Famer” Frank Lampard as caretaker manager just shy of a month ago, they explained the logic behind a decision that left many observers bemused in what they felt were very clear terms. “We want to give ourselves every chance of success and Frank has all the characteristics and qualities we need to drive us to the finish line,” they cheered. As the statement’s authors failed to elaborate on what exactly those characteristics and qualities happened to be, it was left to Lampard’s many chums in the media and punditocracy to elaborate, pointing out that he had a previous incarnation of the club in his DNA, knew where the training ground was and, before his dismissal, had previously saved Everton from relegation over the course of five months by steering them from 16th in the Premier League table, four points above the relegation zone, to the dizzy heights of 16thin the Premier League table, four points above the relegation zone.

One presumes Lampard thought taking the Chelsea gig was a no-brainer, insofar as he could repair a managerial reputation ruined by that grim spell at Goodison, maybe getting past Real Madrid in Big Cup, ending Chelsea’s goal drought and cobbling a few league wins together. One also presumes that never in his wildest nightmares could he have envisaged a scenario that, half a dozen games in, he’d have masterminded six defeats from six … with just two goals scored (one of them a spawny deflection in the Lampardian tradition), while trying to get a tune out of the most expensive collection of misfits assembled since Chelsea director of football James Corden teamed up with Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Idris Elba,