Liverpool, assorted frenzies and the Premier League unthinkable

With just two games left of this season, Southampton are running out of time to stage their annual 9-0 drubbing: a wonderful festival of fun that sits nicely alongside Monty Python and The Fiver as one of this country’s finest comedic traditions, oozing in both slapstick and classic British self-deprecation. As it happens, with Liverpool four points adrift of Manchester City (and crucially, just seven behind on goal difference) in one of the most engaging title races in years, a 9-0 thrashing from the Merseyside Reds would suit both Jürgen Klopp and supporters of The Narrative very nicely. Indeed, it would mean that if $tevie Mbe’s Aston Villa beat Pep Guardiola’s juggernaut on Sunday, Liverpool would ride to the title with just a draw at home to Wolves.

Small margins – lots of ifs, buts and maybeeeeeeeeeeees – but they all count. And while most of us are approaching this week with all the excitement of Robert Smith at a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, there are some, particularly with Sky Sports microphones in hand, that are working themselves into assorted frenzies. However, the chances of Liverpool scoring nine and keeping a clean sheet at Southampton have been significantly reduced with the news that both Mo Salah and Virgil van Dijk will miss the trip south due to various minor-knacks.

“They are both OK,” sighed Klopp, his voice barely audible over a nearby orchestra of tiny violins. “The target for both would be that they could be involved again at the weekend. Properly involved. On the bench and on for a few minutes or start – we will see with that because that would be perfect for the [Madrid] game. If not, we take each day afterwards. It is very positive and we have no doubt about the [Big Cup] final but we