In which Uefa and Manchester United attempt to untangle themselves

Following Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Uefa’s Road to St Petersburg has reached an inevitable impasse. Big Cup final, which had been due to be staged at the Gazprom-O-Dome, has now been moved to Paris, what with European football’s governing body deciding that it would be prudent to delegate some unfortunate minion to sit in the basement of Uefa Towers and forlornly burst all their “white nights” of St Petersburg knockout stage official Big Cup match balls, boasting high-grade butyl bladders, out of existence. The final will now be held at the Stade de France on 28 May and Uefa has thanked Emmanuel Macron for his role in helping them make the change.

“Together with the French government, Uefa will fully support multi-stakeholder efforts to ensure the provision of rescue for football players and their families in Ukraine who face dire human suffering, destruction and displacement,” droned a statement, which made no mention whatsoever of the fact that the Russian stadium it had just denied the right to host the final takes its name from a preposterously rich Russian state-owned energy corporation that also pays Uefa £34m per season in sponsorship. A follow-up statement, issued in the wake of public disquiet at its original policy of hoping nobody would notice it hadn’t mentioned its cosy relationship with Gazprom, declared “there” would be meetings of their executive committee soon, when “additional”, unspecified, “matters will be addressed”.

While Uefa has stopped short of turfing Russian clubs and the country’s national team out of all their competitions, former Zenit St Petersburg chairman and Uefa board member Alexander Dyukov was still displeased. “We believe that the decision to move the venue of the