If your team can’t win something then it’s better if no one does

Burgeoning goal god Erling Haaland has agreed a move to Manchester City from Borussia Dortmund.

“Everyone in this country supports Liverpool, the media and everyone,” sobbed Pep Guardiola at the weekend. He was, of course, incorrect. What everyone, in fact, supports is beef between football managers. The vast majority have only a passing interest in the success or otherwise of the best teams in the country – the general sentiment being that if your team can’t win something then it’s better if no one does – but when it comes to minor spats between coaches … well, inject it into our veins.

Disappointingly, Jürgen Klopp refused to bite on Guardiola’s tirade, providing an infuriatingly sensible and understanding answer when prompted on the topic. “Imagine how the situation would be if we were not that close,” he sighed. “Then the interviews would be boring. You have to make sure there is some excitement and there is an exciting battle for who stays in the league and an exciting battle for who qualifies for [Big Cup]. But imagine if we were not closer. [Guardiola’s reaction] is completely normal.”

Boring interviews, eh? Heaven forfend. In entirely unrelated news, $tevie Mbe has also been having his say on the campaign climax. His Aston Villa side welcome Klopp’s Liverpool to Villa Park on Tuesday evening before travelling to Manchester City on the final day, meaning his solid-but-unspectacular side, after a solid-but-unspectacular season, have an unexpected but potentially defining role in the ultimate destination of the title. And he’s a Liverpool legend to boot! What a way to end?

“The way the fixtures have fallen we can have a say in the title race – that is how it is,” he yawned. “We will try to win all of the games that