Football transfer rumours: Harry Kane on PSG’s radar?

Kylian Mbappé has informed Paris Saint-Germain that the incomparable thrill of besting Brest, trouncing Troyes and angering Angers no longer appeals to him – nor the fun of predicting how Champions League embarrassment will come. As such, a number of clubs are jockeying to secure the services of a player the Mill would like to believe is known as “Jack” by his teammates.

Real Madrid, already spending in the region of £88.5m on Jude Bellingham, are keen to lash even more money if they possibly can, because what is money for if not lashing. And they also need a centre-forward to replace Karim Benzema, who’s finally fulfilling his fantasy of playing in the Saudi Pro League.

Should Mbappé move to the Bernabéu, Harry Kane would be more likely to remain at Spurs, but PSG also want him and could anyone begrudge their style captain a move to the style capital? However, Chelsea would also like to buy him, and who would not be seduced by the opportunity to be patronised by a football maven of Todd Boehly’s renown?

In the event that Sheikh Jassim buys Manchester United, a wholesome prospect if ever there was one, his reported links to the owners of PSG could yet make a move by Mbappé to Old Trafford possible. This would delight the children of the internet for whom the world offers no joy whatsoever save their bestest-ever team featuring multitudes of shiny goods whose names are then attached to the suffix “SZN” and who respond with the Mbappé crying meme every time an adult challenges the integrity of proceedings.

United are also looking to shift players and it seems Aston Villa are in the market for a winger with little pace, even less strength and entirely absent intensity. Whether or not Jadon Sancho fancies the unique buzz and