‘Failure forms us’: an imagined video call between Bielsa and Pochettino

Topic: Mauricio Pochettino’s Zoom MeetingMon, 13 Jun 2022 01:51 AM (CET)

[Marcelo Bielsa’s iPad has joined the meeting.]

Pochettino: Hello? Hello? Marcelo?

Bielsa: Mauricio? Can you hear me?

Pochettino: Yes, I can hear you now. You were … muted for a while.

Bielsa: Then that makes two of us.

Pochettino: Is this a good time?

Bielsa: Well, St Kitts and Nevis against Saint Martin in the Concacaf Nations League won’t watch itself. But don’t worry, I’m recording it. So, Paris. Is it done? Finished?

Pochettino: Almost. The severance terms have already been agreed. We’re just waiting for Kylian’s people to approve the messaging.

Bielsa: I read about his contract. Is it true he now chooses the initiation song for each new player?

Pochettino: It’s true. Nuno Mendes had to perform a profane French rap. It embarrassed him greatly. But when you have a player like Mbappé …

Bielsa: … you play him as a centre-forward in 72% of your fixtures and as a left-winger in the other 28%. Overall your most common formation is an inverted 4-3-3, but when Neymar is available you switch to a 4-2-3-1. When Icardi plays with Mbappé you prefer a midfield diamond. With Messi and not Mbappé, you go 4-2-2-2 with Di María slightly withdrawn.

Pochettino: What does that tell you?

Bielsa: It tells me nothing. It is useless. But out of respect to you, I wanted to prepare for this call in the correct manner.

Pochettino: I expected nothing less.

Bielsa: Nevertheless, you did not contact me to talk about tactics or French rap. You called out of some ridiculous notion that I would be able to advise you. And you called to ask for forgiveness.

Pochettino: Forgiveness for what?

Bielsa: For forsaking your sporting principles and joining a leisurewear company