England v Germany and Weird Uncle Fiver’s big Wembley day out

England’s Euro 2022 campaign has been a tough time for the Who Cares Brigade. Winning in front of 68,781 at Old Trafford. Who cares? Beating Norway 8-0. Who cares? Completing the group unbeaten with a 4-0 victory over Northern Ireland. Who cares? Battling past the tiki-taka of the Spanish and then thrashing Sweden, the second-best team in the entire world. Who cares? To the WCB, the whole thing is simply not worth watching, although 9.3 million people apparently disagree.

Now, time for a final against Germany at a packed Wembley and mixed emotions for Weird Uncle Fiver, a hardcore WCB ultra. He has repeatedly barged into the Fiver family WhatsApp to show his disdain that they have moved EastEnders and the One Show for the sake of women kicking a ball. Now, though, Weird Uncle Fiver has changed his tune because there is a little bit of history between the two nations and, frankly, he has jumped on every bandwagon since the wheel was invented.

Uncle Fiver has bad memories of facing the Germans. He once went to test-drive a BMW but left upset after finding out he had to bring it back. From that day on he vowed to only ever buy British, so is currently driving an Austin Metro and gets by without lightbulbs in his house. Now he has new enemies to focus on: Alexandra Popp, Sophie Kleinherne, Merle Frohms and Lina Magull are in his sights, as is a trip to the tattoo parlour to get portraits of Lucy Bronze and Beth Mead inked on to his back.

Last year’s Euros final was perhaps the best day of Weird Uncle Fiver’s life, apart from the loss on penalties and his subsequently arrest. He will return to Lah’n this weekend, head to toe in red and white paint, joining the masses to cheer on the Lionesses from Leicester Square. After all,