Casemiro, Manchester United and crisis-baton rubbernecking

Got to be honest, the weekend Premier League fixtures aren’t the most fascinating. Leicester versus Southampton offers the vague promise of some crisis-baton rubbernecking, Brentford’s trip to Fulham has the potential to be the most polite local derby in Premier League history, and if New Arsenal are planning on revealing themselves as Old Spurs, then Bournemouth is the very place for all those box-fresh hopes of progress to crumble to dust. As for Newcastle United’s chances of taking anything from Manchester City, we point you in the direction of Eddie Howe’s record against the Citizens of 12 matches played, 12 losses, five goals scored, 39 against, and all without facing Erling Haaland. God speed the Foxes, Saints, Gunners and especially the Toon, but very little of it screams jaw-dropping, eye-popping, interesting-first-paragraph-inspiring action.

To be fair, it doesn’t help that the one choice match-up of the weekend isn’t actually slated for the weekend. Manchester United host Liverpool on Monday evening, and while this rivalry normally disappoints, rarely living up to expectations, nobody ever learns, least of all us, and the anticipation before the big one is real. Not least because both teams have suffered a cold start to their Premier League campaign, Liverpool with two draws, United two humiliations. Something’s got to give, and here’s absolutely categorically hoping the desperation doesn’t lead to a big comic-book cloud of dust with boots and fists sticking out of it. The Fiver will settle for a few goals. But the OOYAH OOF cloud of dust, no, we wouldn’t like, etc.

United will be desperate to avenge the 5-0 reverse inflicted upon them at Old Trafford by Liverpool last season, the low/high point being the