At least Eintracht Frankfurt don’t have to deal with Di Stéfano again

Tonight’s Super/Splendid/Marvellous Cup in Helsinki, between Big Cup holders Real Madrid and Euro Vase winners Eintracht Frankfurt, represents an echo of European football’s glorious past and a glimpse into its AI-powered future. The previous competitive encounter between these two clubs was the European Cup final at Hampden Park in 1960. Not much happened: Madrid won 7-3 thanks to four goals from the great Ferenc Puskas, plus a hat-trick from someone called Alfredo Di Stéfano.

The attendance of 127,000 remains a record for a European Cup final and Madrid’s performance that night, beamed around the world to millions of TV viewers, was “by general consent, the most sumptuous club performance in football history,” as the late Frank Keating wrote on Big Website, in 2002.

“Without question, Real at Hampden in 1960 was by far the most delectable feast I ever described,” Kenneth Wolstenholme, renowned commentator, would later enthuse, in what was presumably a bitter blow to his mother’s cooking. “It was football on a different level than I’d been taught,” parped Bobby Charlton, in what was presumably a bitter blow to his brother’s backyard training sessions. “My first thought had been, ‘this match is a phoney, edited’,” ogled Bobby. “These players are doing things that aren’t possible, aren’t real, aren’t human.” Speaking of things that aren’t human, the Super/Splendid/Marvellous Cup will provide a piece of history regardless, with semi-automated offside technology (SAOT) – Fifa’s and Uefa’s latest attempt to be down with the kidz – set to be used officially for the first time.“The new system will operate thanks to specialised cameras which are able to track 29 different body points per player,” Uefa tooted, before adding a