Alf’s revenge: disruptor Erling Haaland can be the striker Pep Guardiola craves

Once upon a time, many years ago, there were two warriors named Alf and Roy who fought for rival clans. Alf accused Roy of feigning injury after he had collapsed with ruptured knee ligaments and for the next four years, whenever they met on the battlefield, their fighting was fierce. But then Alf joined the local rivals of Roy’s team. In the derby, Roy hit Alf on the knee, hard, and Alf conceived a terrible revenge.

Alf had a young son, less than a year old, and he raised him to be a great warrior. His son had extraordinary physical gifts. He was tall and powerful and fast. He was highly skilled. Kings and queens from all around the world wanted Alf’s son to join their army. But Alf’s son was only going to end up at one place: at the rivals to Roy’s team.

Roy’s team were already struggling after their great commander had retired. Alf’s old team, aided by the wealth of a great family from abroad, were already dominant. And now they had the mighty young warrior many believed might become the greatest in the world. It had taken 21 years, but Alf was ready for his victory.

If football these days is largely about content production, this is a great narrative strand in the Uefa Football Universe. Here is Erling Haaland, who looks like he was brought to life in a tower at midnight during a storm: could this be the dark magic that will, at last, bring Manchester City the Champions League?

Haaland is remarkable in every respect. His numbers are absurd: 78 goals in 70 league starts over the past four seasons; 23 goals in 19 appearances in the Champions League. There are times when he makes the game look stupidly easy: get ball, run with ball, kick ball, goal. He is huge, capable of battering opponents out of the way, but his game