A comedic tour de force, extravagant even by Tottenham’s historical standards

At 2.21pm this afternoon, Football Daily finally finished processing what had happened to Tottenham Hotspur at St James’ Park over the weekend. Having taken exactly two full days to come to terms with the sheer Lads It’s scope of the fiasco, we tasked ourselves with putting the comedic tour de force, extravagant even by Spurs’ historical standards, into words. However, we could only come up with the sort of confused grunts and befuddled yelps normally associated with glaikit cartoon characters such as Homer Simpson, Scooby Doo and Tucker Carlson. Not ideal for the medium we work in. But what can you do? It was that bad. D’oh! (x5)

As a result, the players have coughed up for the travelling fans’ tickets, while on Monday afternoon Daniel Levy pulled on his well-worn pair of hobnail HR boots and kicked Cristian Stellini right up the tunnel, past the glassed-walled restaurant and the abandoned hatch from which they once dreamed of selling cheese, and out of the revolving door marked Do One. A perfectly executed dispatch, not least because the door was still spinning from Antonio Conte’s recent elite-level flounce, though that also marked the exact moment at which Levy’s knack for perfect timing betrayed him. That’s because, by subsequently loaning the keys of the manager’s office to perennial placeholder Ryan Mason for the rest of the season, it looks as though Spurs may miss out on the man so many of the fans want back: Tim Sherwood.

No, of course not, we jest lazily and weakly. It’s Mauricio Pochettino, who with Spurs faffing around, now looks to be a shoo-in for the vacant job at Chelsea instead. The Blues are seriously floundering under the caretaking yoke of the poor man’s Stellini, and even Todd Boehly isn’t daft