England v Germany and a probable two-month long social-media tantrum

Wales are off to their first World Cup in 64 years. Norn Iron have finally won, actually won, a game in the Nations League. And Scotland are currently on a three-match winning tear-up, dangerously close to significant achievement for the first time since 1872. What is all this? Do none of the old certainties apply any more? The Fiver feels so old and confused. Imagine how thankful we are, then, for the recent efforts of Gareth Southgate and his England team. The last few years of success and excitement haven’t sat well with us at all, you see. It’s been extremely discombobulating. So it’s very comforting to see England drifting back towards their old sweet spot, a couple of notches above rank incompetence, hovering just below the middle, between underwhelming and meh. Ah, that’s better. Like sinking into an old armchair with no seat cushion, or a tepid bath.

Not that everyone is as chuffed as The Fiver with the way England are carrying on at the minute. Jude Bellingham was the only player who bothered to turn up for the game against Italy on Friday night, and yet another Nations League defeat was inevitable against 11 men. After England’s relegation from League A was confirmed, Southgate went over to thank the travelling support only to be met with two words: trenchant abuse. All of which means that, while Monday’s Wembley showdown with old pals Germany is now technically academic – Germany can’t win the group, while England are doomed – everyone knows full well how much is riding on it. Can England put on a show to avert an 80,000-strong lid-flipping catastrophe and two-month-long social-media tantrum?

We’re betting heavily on Perhaps Not. Southgate goes into England’s final game before their Human Rights World Cup